What’s the right way to kiss a Mormon woman?

Greetings, readers, and welcome back to Ask Mormon Girl, your source for unorthodox answers to questions about contemporary Mormon life.  This week’s query is a spicy one: a warm-up for your Valentine’s Day weekend, perhaps?

Dear Ask Mormon Girl,

I’m a fairly average non-LDS guy. Recently, a Mormon girl and myself have begun something close to a relationship. By close, I mean we confide in each other, and occasionally make out.  Now, when we make out, it gets pretty intense. I respect this girl too much to push her towards the same level of intimacy that I have had with other girls. Because of this respect, I don’t know where to put myself when in these intimate moments. I know “petting” is prohibited, but so is making out and that hasn’t seemed to be an issue with this girl, and based on the temperature of our steamy kissing, I’m not sure what she wants… or where to put my hands. But I know I don’t want to keep my hands on the back of her head or in a weird, unromantic hug-like position, floating behind her back. What do I do?! How do I effectively keep her comfortable in these moments, while still respecting her boundaries and maintaining the same level of passion?

Sincerely,

L

Dear L:

Congratulations on discovering one of the world’s great secrets:  many Mormons are truly amazing kissers.  And this I know not only by experience but by reports from non-LDS friends who have dated Mormons.  “Amazing!” they report.  Why?  For Mormons, kissing is not just some forlorn waystation on the way to a glorious destination.  Oh, no.  For most unmarried Mormon folks, kissing is the destination!  It’s not Beaver, UT or Barstow, CA; it’s Viva Las Vegas!

I can tell this strange new world of Mormon intimacy with its many finely demarcated and forbidden zones is a bit puzzling.  There’s a scene in the movie Age of Innocence (based on the Edith Wharton novel) where Daniel Day Lewis unbuttons Michelle Pfeiffer’s glove:  simply unbuttons a glove, I tell you, and it takes the breath away.  That’s how it can be in our world.  I remember how kids in my stake used to give each other these hourslong backrubs and facerubs and armrubs in the dark back seats of the bus on the way home from Youth Conference.  There was this one guy named Mike who really liked the band Dokken.  Never kissed him.  But the facerubs?  Sigh. . . .

But I digress.  Look, many Mormon youth leaders inveigh against French kissing or making out, but lots and lots of Mormon kids do it and don’t worry about it.  Petting is a different story.  And the only way to find out how your Mormon girl feels about all of this and what she truly wants is to ask her directly.  I hate to break it to you, but if you’re developing emotional and physical intimacy with this person—and if you care enough to write to AMG for advice (very thoughtful of you!)– you’re not in “something close to a relationship.”  You are totally in a relationship.  So talk with your Mormon girl.  Tell her exactly what you told me:  “I really like you, and I really like making out with you.  I respect you, and I want to respect your standards. I want you to tell me what’s okay and what’s not.  Please be clear with me. You will not hurt my feelings.”  Because here’s another of the world’s great secrets: open, honest, respectful communication is not only good for a relationship; it can also take the breath away.

Okay, readers, it’s your turn.  What additional advice do you have for “L”?  And am I the only one who believes Mormons may be among the world’s best kissers?  Discuss!  Follow askmormongirl on Twttier, and send your question to askmormongirl@gmail.com.

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11 Comments

Filed under kissing, Love

11 responses to “What’s the right way to kiss a Mormon woman?

  1. BBKing77

    Before I weigh in, AMG, I just found this site and I love it. Expect a letter from me in the near future.

    Ok, as for making out, I totally agree. Each person has their own boundaries that need to be respected. She may want more than she’s getting, but is scared to tell you for fear of embarrassing you. Simply ask her to tell you where her boundaries lie. And it’s true, LDS girls CAN BE the best kissers. Some also aren’t that great. But when they’re great, they’re GREAT! :)

  2. Michael Riggs

    Dear AMG and the handy man,
    LDS young women are among the most effective (and unappreciated) missionaries their church has within the ranks. This young man is like the fly who is already flown into the spider’s web and is now asking for permission to stay longer and get eaten. Kissing styles in retrospect will be seem trivial a year from now when she is sending him on an LDS mission and then meets a returned missionary a month later and he helps her write a “Dear John” letter to him in some remote village in the Andes. Gives “Kiss of the Spider Woman” a whole new meaning!

  3. Guest

    How to Kiss a Mormon Girl 101:

    First, do not under any circumstances do what AMG advised you to do. If you ask a Mormon Girl to tell you what she is comfortable with and where the boundaries are, she will pull out her copy of “For the Strength of the Youth” and you will have married 80-year-old men telling you how to give virtuous goodnight pecks on the doorstep of her home. Do not let 80-year-old married men and an army of married church bureaucrats run your love life. Leave the boundaries loose so they can migrate in a more pleasant direction over time, without losing her temple recommend.

    Second, you must determine whether she is a glacier or a volcano. Fortunately, Mormon Girls are very honest, and you can simply ask her: “Are you a glacier or a volcano?” If she says “What?,” she is a glacier. Is she says, “Definitely a volcano!,” then she is a volcano. If a Mormon Girl is dating a Non-Mormon Guy, she’s more likely to be a volcano, but you still should find out. In general, it seems to me that the glaciers stay in the church, and a lot of the volcanoes leave the church, but if you live outside of Utah you might find some adorable volcanoes who are comfortable with their bodies.

    Third, you need to make sure she understands the difference between sex and intimacy. Most Mormon Girls do not know anything about intimacy because they have spent most of the adolescent and post-adolescent life avoiding sex. Sex is binary: you either had it or you didn’t. Intimacy is a continuous variable and moves from opening a car door at one end to nasty unspeakable jungle sex at the other. Once she signs on for intimacy with you, then your job is to enjoy gently pushing on the boundary that she has established for that night.

    Finally, in order to kiss her intelligently, you need to find out whether she is G-rated, PG, PG-13, or R-rated. If she is G-rated, your kisses are only likely to occur standing up, so the intelligent way to do that is to have her stand on the first or second step in a stairway so the kiss will last longer because you’ll be closer to the same height. If she is PG-rated, you can end your date on a couch, so the intelligent kissing technique is to kiss her mouth first to change your breathing pattern, and then nibble on her earlobe so she can hear that your breathing has changed, and then her lips will get warmer and she will breathe more heavily herself. If she is PG-13-rated, you are in luck because your hands are now allowed to tug at her shirt a bit until you can touch the warm skin on the small of her back. If she is R-rated, you are a very lucky person because on a good day you can kiss her belly button, and on a really good day she might fall in love with you and agree to marry you and create an amazing new X-rated world for you.

    • Jon Shurtleff

      This message is still primarily about sex. The overall message being, gradually break down her defenses and get her to go as far as *she* wants/is willing to go. It implies that the physical *precedes* her developing feeling for you and falling in love with you. At beginning of one paragraph he asks you to find out whether she understands the difference between sex and intimacy and at the end say that once she has signed on for ‘intimacy’ you should gently push the physical boundaries, as if the two were the same. Rubbish. And I’m not an 80 year old man. I learned this the hard way. True intimacy is not about the physical at all. If it were not for that then people would not develop a passion for each other without the physical at all, such as through corresponding with each other by various means or in cases where physical intimacy is limited, such as in cases of physical disability. The physical is just one way of way of expressing true intimacy of so many. Intimacy is developed through mental, emotional and spiritual means by having fun and enjoying each other in non-sexual ways, exploring common interests, aspirations and dreams and so many more things and by becoming a trusted and intimate friends. One of the most passionate, satisfying moments in my entire romantic history was when, after a relationship of several weeks, during which I had only given her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I asked her if I could kiss her. That kiss stands out as one most passionate moments of intimacy I’ve every experienced. I recommend Victor L. Brown’s book ‘Human Intimacy’ as a good introduction to the subject. He explains, in far better language than mine, that the quality of the physical relationship is a barometer of the quality of the intimate relationship and not the other way around, whether you are married or dating. An intimate, passionate relationship can begin the first time you see each other and might begin with opening the car door but it requires a huge investment in developing the non-physical side and careful, cautious steps through steps of physical intimacy in careful balance, until it progresses to full commitment where you can experience physical fully in all it’s glory. Even then it has to be kept in balance. I like the quote ‘There won’t any passion in the bedroom unless there’s passion in the living room. Get the balance wrong and you either short circuit and limit the intimacy or you set back the relationship and have to fix it later or you kill it and one or both suffer.

    • Dear How to Kiss a Mormon Girl 101:

      You sound like a really nice guy with a tender heart, who has been hurt mightily. Why do I say this? Well, you showed much respect to a girl by asking her to define the boundaries for you. When she began to share with you the reasoning behind her boundaries, you were sensitive and listened to her feelings. As you learned more, you began searching for your own answers.

      Then, at some point, she hurt you. As many of us do when we are hurt; you talk of “take what you can get while the getting is good.” It is obvious that this is not your true nature, but just a product of the hurt you have felt.

      There is a song that says “Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.” Someone has hurt you. Don’t let the bitterness make your decisions for you. You are a great guy, you’ll work it out.

    • MSE

      Now THAT took my breath away!
      (And I’m Mormon).

  4. bink

    As a single mormon girl, I can tell you, that one, yes, some of us are GREAT kissers, and two, most definately take Joanna’s advice and talk to her. I didn’t learn until I got a little older, that talking to a guy I’m in a relationship with about making out boundries, is not only acceptable, but wise. Maybe she hasn’t discovered that yet. We’re generally not given this advice from other sources and have to figure it out ourselves.

    And Joanna is right again that many/most of us still make out, but stay away from petting and necking (that’s my rule anyway).

    Kudos to you for asking AMG and respecting your girls boundries (even though she hasn’t fully defined them yet).

    • Meidi

      I have been LDS all my life and strove to be chaste before marriage. I attended many (excrusiatingly uncomfotable) firesides on chastity and I STILL have never heard a good explanation for what “necking” is! Is it just an antiquated term? If it means kissing on the neck then I TOTALLY broke that rule as a teenager! :)

  5. anygirl

    I normally don’t leave comments so close to anonymously, but I’m airing some dirty laundry.

    I had an NCMO partner for a year. We’re both still LDS. It got pretty heavy and definitely pushed the envelope that the FtSoY came in. We were intimate on an emotional, mental and spiritual level before we became intimate on a physical level, which is why I wanted to develop a physical intimacy; it was the only kind left.
    We both knew it wasn’t a good idea; we had told each other that. Over the phone, over e-mail, in person, even in letters. At one point it got ridiculous enough for us to “create” a “constitution” about when it could and could not happen. Essentially, there had to a be a “reason” for us to make out. After a back rub, when either of us needed a distraction from some particulare stresses, when the temperature fell below zero. You get the idea.
    We never stuck to it. The first time we spooned (before kissing ocurred), I told him I hadn’t been comfortable with that. We cuddled still, but the spooning stopped. For a while. Eventually, I became ok with it, even though I still knew it had led me to trouble before. The same with the kissing. The first had been a few kisses on the cheeks at New Year’s. When we kissed mouth-to-mouth for the first time, he stopped and asked “Are you sure you’re ok with this?”
    “Are you okay with this,” I asked, implying that I was if he was. (He had been the one with committment issues that prevented previous physical intimacy.)
    His response was to kiss me again.

    My point is that most people have two sets of standards when it comes to this. The one given before the kiss and the one given while you’re making out. And they don’t always line up. If you want my opinion, L, you’re coming dangerously close to disrespecting each other as it is. Take care of figuring out whether or not there should still be the “N” in your NCMO’ing before you figure out where to stop.

    Another good kissing demographic: trombone players

  6. Kathryn McFlaunty

    Hi. I really like this super shy Mormon guy and I’m pretty sure he likes me too and that he’ll ask me out when he’s 16. I just read that Mormons aren’t allowed to make-out or kiss someone’s neck and this really disappointed me. Do you think he still might? He’s really shy and has told me he’s a hard-core Mormon. Thank you SO much!!

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