Monthly Archives: May 2011

I’m sexually attracted to my fiance! Should I feel guilty?

Readers, before I plunge into this week’s truly irresistable query, I wanted to put in a brief plug for a fantastic  meet-up coming soon to Salt Lake City: on June 11, Carol Lynn Pearson (applause!), Margaret Toscano (applause!), and your very own friendly Mormon feminist advice columnist (that’s me!) will be speaking at the Mormon Stories Conference, a weekend-long event that includes socializing, service projects, and even a group MoTab outing.  I would love to meet you there.  For more info, click here.

Dear AMG:

 I’m in my mid-twenties, un-endowed, and engaged to be married in the temple soon. Most of the men that I previously dated were men with whom I had no particular chemistry, which meant that I always felt chaste even situations that I consider (in hindsight) to have been somewhat compromising. However, I find my fiance very attractive. Often when we simply kiss, cuddle or touch I get quickly turned on and sometimes I have sexual thoughts and feelings with no warm up or warning at all. Over the past few months even ordinary physical contact has become unexpectedly arousing.

I’m committed to living chastely because I believe it brings personal blessings and pleases my Father in Heaven. There’s not really any likelihood that I’m going to have premarital intercourse or purposefully fool around, but I do feel guilty for the way my body reacts at times to otherwise fairly innocent-looking situations. My fiance and I are pretty frank about everything, including sex generally, but this is one area where I feel self-conscious and abnormal. I’m way too embarrassed to talk about my personal sexuality with my bishop, an older man who alternately talks about the terrible seriousness of sexual sin and expresses his complete faith in me as a “good girl” who gives him no cause to worry. I don’t think he’ll understand, and I’m afraid he’ll deny me a temple recommend, ask lots of awkward questions, or attempt to micro-manage the physical side of our relationship. I worry that my inability to talk to him means I’ll always feel like this is an unresolved issue.

Lately I’ve found myself constantly pushing my fiance away and avoiding any kind of extended kissing, hugging or cuddling, just to be safe. I’m concerned that my stiff behavior is starting to bring unnatural stress and tension into our otherwise wonderful relationship. I don’t want to leave it permanently stilted! However, I also don’t want to feel like I’m trying to slip by on my temple recommend interviews, or that I’m disrespecting my covenants, my fiance, or my Heavenly Father. What should I do?

BC

Continue reading

23 Comments

Filed under sex

Dear AMG: My marriage-obsessed BYU roommates are driving me nuts. Help?

Last October, I received a query from “HK” who was getting cold feet about her recent decision to attend BYU-Idaho.  “I’m afraid the push towards conformity will be too much to take,” HK wrote.   I encouraged HK to study her own mind and urged her to envision some alternatives for herself.  BYU-I might in fact be a good experience, I wrote, but no one should choose a college by default.

Well, few weeks ago, another letter from HK arrived in the AMG mailbox.  Here it is:

Dear AMG:

 I did end up going to BYU-Idaho, and my roommates talk about marriage ALL.THE.TIME. I hear the word marriage about 10 million times a day; on campus, and everywhere. I am taking a marriage class because I want to learn some of the good things that can increase the chance of having a good marriage, but I am not obssessed with the idea, nor do I want to be. I am trying SO HARD to live my life and progress without living in that mindset of needing a man. How can I ignore everyone around me thinking like that? It makes me feel very negative. I am starting to be constantly annoyed, and I can’t live like that. What can I do?

HK

Dear HK:

Last time you wrote, a loyal AMG reader sent in the following comment:

“HK, if you follow Ask Mormon Girl and you’re not even in college yet, I don’t think you’re going to love BYU-I. You are obviously really smart and this is a priceless opportunity to love, love, love college. If you’re willing to be a little different because you’re Mormon, I think it’s time to apply to Smith or Yale or UCLA. Keep us posted because we know you have a big bright future.”

And you know what?  She was 100% right.  I really should have been firmer with you, HK. I shouldn’t have kindly suggested that you consider other alternatives.  I should have written in ALL CAPS.  Because over the course of our epistolary relationship, HK, I’m learning that you’re an ALL CAPS kind of gal.  So here is my ALL CAPS message to you.

REXBURG, IDAHO IS NO PLACE FOR YOU.  DROP YOUR MARRIAGE CLASS.  PACK YOUR BAGS.  AND START LOOKING FOR A NEW SCHOOL.

(Exhale.  Sorry, readers: I know this is hard on the eyes, but I can’t get through to HK without it.)

YOU MUST STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE YOUR CHOICES FOR YOU AND THEN KVETCHING ABOUT THE OUTCOMES.

YOU MUST MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM.

(Phew.  Okay.  Just a few lines more.)

YOU ARE DIFFERENT. OTHER PEOPLE’S ANSWERS ARE NOT GOING TO WORK FOR YOU. NEVER.  EVER. EVER.

ARE YOU GOING TO SPEND THIS ONE BEAUTIFUL LIFE OF YOURS EATING BAD PIZZA AND WATCHING RENTAL VIDEOS IN SNOWBOUND IDAHO APARTMENTS WITH LADIES WAITING ON PRINCE CHARMING?

OR ARE YOU GOING TO STOP WAITING AND BUST YOURSELF OUT OF REXBURG?

(Big finish here, readers.  Almost done.)

TO QUOTE A FAMOUS NUN (WHO OBVIOUSLY KNEW SOMETHING ABOUT LIVING WITHOUT THE MINDSET OF NEEDING A MAN) :  CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN.  FORD EVERY STREAM.  FOLLOW EVERY RAINBOW.  TIL. YOU. FIND. YOUR. DREAM.

OR DIE UNSATISFIED.

LOVE YOU.

LATHER, RINSE, REREAD.

PEACE OUT.

Send your query to askmormongirl@gmail.com.  Follow askmormongirl on Twitter.  Friend Joanna Brooks on Facebook.  Or do none of the above. 

26 Comments

Filed under BYU, young women