I grew up 100% believer. About 2 years ago I started asking questions. I have now decided that there are many points where I totally disagree with the church, but I still see good in it…I haven’t completely figured out where I stand in terms of activity and so on…and I’m okay with that.
The biggest issue I have right now pertains to sex. I’ve never had sex. I have a boyfriend who is fantastic, and we’re in love. He never pushes me–totally respects my boundaries. I want to have sex with him. But I have a gnawing sense of guilt over this issue.
Does sin exist? If so, who decides what sin is–who defines evil? Who can tell me if I’m right or wrong? Is it God, is it me? If I do give it all away–am I going to hell? Does sharing love with someone you care about make you evil?
Beyond the idea of sin, there is the question of what is healthy and unhealthy for a relationship…Is this best for our future happiness? Or is it healthier to wait? In my perfect Mormon family sex was never talked about. I wasn’t even allowed to go to sex ed. I had to learn about it from reading the encyclopedia. Now I’m having these questions…and don’t know where to find answers.
One day I’ll feel great about giving it all away, and the next day I’ll feel guilt over it. What gives? Do you know?
I am planning to go to BYU-Idaho in January, or was until I realized that not only will I be going to church every Sunday with perfect strangers but also going to devotional, taking religion classes, and going to family home evening EVERY WEEK. It will be hard…but for me, maybe even impossible. I like the good social gathering just as much as the next gal, but I’m afraid the push toward conformity will be too much to take. I feel stupid for thinking of changing my plans now, since the whole decision to go to BYU-I has been one of much thought, and prayer. It’s taken time for me to get here; how can I make a decision to go somewhere else so fast?! I want to go to a college where I will fit in and feel at home, grow spiritually and socially, and excel academically. I don’t think I should have to worry about changing who I am. Please help me find a happy middle ground where I will feel I fit in by being just who I am, and don’t have to change a thing.
Filed under BYU, young women
A few years ago my family moved from an area with a large cadre of able Priesthood leaders to an area where the leadership is spread much thinner. I found myself being called to more central ward leadership positions, which has been a great opportunity for growth. Our Bishop is nearing the end of the typical Bishop term and I find myself concerned that I could be on a list of potential candidates for a future Bishop calling. I am not saying that I am on the top of the list, by any means, and certainly have faith that the right man for the job (not me) will be called.